Fasten Your Seatbelts (or David Offends Everyone)

I have recently noticed a parallel upon which I must comment.  The phenomenon is not new, but my noticing it is. It has to do with good intentions--and we know it is said the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

I was recently reminded why it is never, ever a good idea to read the comments to a YouTube video.  I was watching a post by a respected medical professional--and I have no issue with him on this matter--but part of the conversation was about obesity. Some might recall that I have a long history with this particular issue. Fortunately, I did not notice any comments of the "Ewww!  Fat people don't deserve to live!" sort.  Although I'm sure there were some.  What concerned me more was what seemed to be a majority view that everyone in a fat person's life has a duty to advise that person that s/he is fat. After all, this viewpoint reasoned, it is a loving thing to do to point out that a person is GOING TO DIE if s/he does not make radical changes RIGHT NOW. Further, any suggestion of respect or concern for the fat person as s/he is today is tantamount to encouraging that person to continue in the ways that are clearly unacceptable.  This viewpoint does not seem to understand fat people who do not continually hang their heads in shame, beating their breasts and lamenting, "Woe is me!"  I do not wish to suggest that every commenter made this suggestion.  Some were more harsh, some less. But the presiding sentiment, in degrees mild to wild, was that it was the duty of everyone in the world to tell a fat person that s/he is fortunate to have any social life at all and as a result should listen gratefully to any and all unsolicited "advice".

Perhaps this is a new concept to some readers, but allow me to suggest that fat people deserve respect always. Always. Further, whatever you have observed, be it a weight gain or other body change, it will not have escaped the notice of the person you're concerned about. If you respect a woman's right to control her own body--and if you don't, I don't want to know you--you must respect a fat person's right to at least get through the day without your expressions of "concern".  Even if you are a medical professional, you will not be the first person to advise a fat person that s/he is fat. I don't care who you are--there is NOTHING magical about your words that will cause a lightbulb moment for a fat person. If YOU think YOU can make the fat person see the light, then the issue is with YOU, not him/her.

(Yes, I know s/he and him/her is awkward, but using "they" as a singular pronoun is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.)

Moving right along. I'm a really, really cynical person (no surprise to most), but I somehow find myself surrounded by people of great faith. I like that. But I was in an online chat recently where someone received a suggestion to approach people in a social situation with a question that could be summarized as, "Does your belief system mirror mine?" If the victim does not respond positively, the suggestion was to "Tell him/her about Jesus."  In other words, to try to convince the target to adopt a belief system that mirrors the questioner's.  This is a cynical summary, yes, but I have yet to see any evidence that I am wrong. This all supports the suggestion I've heard from others that those who want to "tell people about Jesus" are more concerned about collecting converted souls--whatever that means--like green stamps than about the actual welfare of those individuals they attack with their proselytizing ways.

Another reality check. In today's day and age--in today's America at least--there is no one who has not heard of Jesus. People might be searching for meaning in their own lives--often are--but it is extremely condescending and self-absorbed to think that what works for you is the answer for everyone. Further, it is intrusive and cruel to force someone to listen to your own version of Christianity (I won't even get into how theologically sound it might be!) when that person doesn't want it. If YOU think YOU can save the person you think is damned, then the issue is with YOU, not him/her.

See where I'm headed here?  In both situations one person thinks s/he can offer life-changing wisdom to another, and further, is justified in doing so without even ascertaining whether such action is welcome. Um, no.  This is wrong on so many levels. The amount of presumption, conceit, condescension, and self absorption in both situations is astounding. 

Although I can't prescribe a solution, I can describe a far less offensive way of approaching these topics and others. 12-step programs use the suggestion of attraction rather than promotion; sharing experience, strength, and hope, rather than advice. In other words, a gentle (I SAID GENTLE, DAMMIT!!!!!!) suggestion of what works for you and why, without the suggestion that you are trying to solve what you see as a problem in the victim you are pursuing. 

Yes, I said victim again. That is because there is still every possibility the victim will feel like you are attacking him/her. Because you are. You are saying, "There is something wrong with you, and I can fix it." Please don't deny it.  That is exactly what you are doing.

I don't for a minute think that anyone who is guilty of the offenses I describe will recognize him/herself in my words.  I expect there are people who agree, people who think I'm talking about others, and people who have no clue what I'm talking about. I'm accustomed to that. (I have written about grammar in the past, after all.) Still, I felt the need to get this out of my system. Thank you for listening, and keep coming back. It works if you work it.

• Does it need to be said?
• Does it need to be said now?
• Does it need to be said by me?